I've got a new years resolution...I think I know what I've gotta do

Welcome to 2009!! A year surely to be filled with much change. Ringing in 09 means we will soon be ringing in graduation from dear old camp champ...scary. And so here we are...headed for the future. I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one with absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I'm hoping for an epiphany at some point in the coming months about just what the hell I will do come June...until that day comes, I'll try not to worry. That being said, 09 was hailed in with the best of the best in my book. I drove up to Burlington yesterday and back to Yarmouth today...10 hours of driving in 30 hours was completely 100% WORTH IT. I freaking adore my friends. I missed them so much and will continue to do so until I am back for good next week. It was just such a good feeling, I love that I've built myself a litle family and home up there. It's very comforting to feel such a sense of belonging. I hope 2009 brings ample amounts of happiness, prosperity, success, and of course laughter to all of the people I love :)

On another note, with all of the driving I've been doing (and will continue all the way to NC and then from yarmouth back to burlington once more) I;ve decided I am going to write up a manual for dumbass drivers. AKA common sense skill that most people should posess...yet evidently do not. Here it goes

MANUAL FOR DRIVING

1) If you are going slow enough to have caused a back up of 3 or more cars, pull the ever loving fuck over and let the train pass you.

2) If you are already a slow driver, there is no need to push your last ounce of energy into stepping on the gas in order to jet yourself in front of cars when entering the road. Believe it or not, you can wait 20 more seconds and get in the back of the damn line where you belong.

3) When driving on the highway, there is no need to speed up and pass me when in 10 more feet you will be stuck behind another car...theres no where to go jackass.

4) If you are in the passing lane...fucking goooooooooooooooo.

5) Do not. Fuck up. My cruise control.

6) You know those lovely truck passing lanes they interject every once in awhile? If you've been going slow since the last one, how bout you stay at that speed and get the shit out of my way, that is not the appropriate time to speed up if its the only time you are planning to do so.


APPENDIX A: New England and/or frequent drivers in winter

1) After small snow storms or "dustings", you will see that there are usually wide track marks from other cars and that driving in said tracks leads to no distruption for cars behind you. However, when you do decide to drive like the jackass that you are and go directly in the lines of snow, giant whirls of white go directly to the person behind you. Stop being an idiot.

APPENDIX B: Vermont Drivers

1) For the love of god, take that god forsaken VT, or ILOVERMONT, sticker OFF OF YOUR CAR. You have giant fucking green license plates, we KNOW you are from there, and can assume that if you live there, you probably love it. So for christ sake, if you really love that sticker THAT MUCH, fucking move so you don't look like such a total and utter jackass.

Revelations of the morning...

Not all cereals are better dry. Some awfully flaky ones that are good in milk are actually quite painful to consume unaccompanied.

Walking to work when it is still dark out becuase it is so early is not the most uplifting start to a day, neither is waking up 45 minutes before said early wake up time.

It's pretty easy for him to make me mad...but then again its pretty easy for him to make me smile too. :)

So overall the day didn't start so bad- other than the earlyness. It is hard to believe there are people who get up and function this early every day, especially in the winter. It is still dark out, I don't think anyone should have to be awake.

It is December, the 2nd to be exact, Melissa and Ricks bday! Ahh they are 22, we are getting so old (haha). The semester is rapidly coming to a close, and none too soon if you ask me. I'm sort of over it. Thanksgiving break was good, except for the sick part. It was nice to have some time to just sit around though. Hung out with the parentls alot, especially mom. Warning...dork alert, but we did a ton of puzzles, and can I just tell you that I am freakin phenomenal at them? I wish that was a field of study I could get into, or like make money off of somehow haha. Wow, seriously, I even astounded myself on the dork level on that one. Anyway, back here once more, 2.5 weeks left. I really don't have a huge amount of homeork to do though, which is rare for this time in the semester. I have a few papers to write-none too difficult. I have a lab or 2 left in nutrition, and some logs to finish up for literary magazine. All in all...I should be fine. I picked up a ton of extra hours until break which is awesome cause 1)I'm lower on money than I thought and 2) I wont be working for almost 3 weeks over break. $25 an hour at beans on christmas doenst sound so bad now...but it would if I actually had to do it. In any case, I filled some empty HUB shifts and then Lina just let me re-do my schedule to get 30 hours a week. I love my jobs felxibility. Hopefully I'll be able to actually pull off working that many hours on top of finals and such. Starting yesterday until the 17th I have 75 hours. Man I can't wait to get THAT pay check haha. All in all, things are going okay...

Oh, one last revelation for the morning...canned fruit cocktail is not a sufficient breakfast beside a baggie of dry pointy cereal...can you tell my pantrys lookin a little bare these days?

we all need saving sometimes...

So what are you supposed to do when you don't know what to do anymore? We learn, as children, to problem solve. First it is just in school, and then, ever so gradually, we realize the real problems we have to solve aren't on paper. They aren't math problems, or logic. They, instead, are the deep, hurtful wounds that we sometimes don't even know we have. Things just start surfacing until one day we realize we are in the middle of a mess we have created, and have absolutely no idea how to fix. The real problem, is that we don't know what the hell the problem is. But, we have been taught to problem solve. So we try to solve, but we don't know what we are solving, or how to tell if we have actually solved it-which is a problem in itself. We just keep going, waiting for the day it all comes into a neat answer at the bottom of a piece of paper.

don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been..and i've made up my mind, i aint wastin no more time

October? Really? Fall is kicking in hard here in Northern Vermont. I can't say I am too thrilled. The colder weather isn't something I am looking forward to. Not only does cold mean jackets and layers and gray and wayyyy too much darkness, but it means snow, and lack of being able to drive whenever I want. I know you will be surprised to hear that the good old Pontiac only drives on dry pavement. We all know that is hard to find in a VT winter.

It is a bit strange that I always seem so full of thought when I get on here to write and when I arrive here, I find my thoughts are few. I think "uninspired" is the word- the one to describe my life in general as of late. It's not that I don't like school, or my job, or my friends (well I don't like them, I'm pretty much fucking in love with every last one), it is just that all put together I feel like I need something more. Unfortunately I don't quite know what it is. I feel sheltered only by the fact that I know I am not alone in this feeling, on the brink of my future. I really have no idea where next year, or the years to follow will take me. That, unfortunately, is the exciting and the fucking terrifying part all rolled into one. I will say this...

Today I was inspired. I am not really sure why, but all the right thoughts came together, and I've decided I am going to write a book. In all my experience and schooling with writing, I've never really wanted to write one, but now I do. Who knows if I will finish it, or if I will and just keep it to myself, or if it will make me super famous and rich and change my life. Either way, it cant hurt anything to throw a bunch of stories onto paper. I've always thought of myself as somewhat of a boring person. However, looking at it all, I know that isn't true. Maybe my stories are weak, but I make them interesting, becuase there are quite a few things that just happen to me...like...why? Haha. Plus, plenty of people have mundane lives. I'm all about making the ordinary into extrordinary- and if it doesn't work, whats the harm in trying? So it begins...

The only other thing I have to rant about at moments such as this one are about a certain boy I know...I miss him. Or I should say, I can't decide. I don't know if I can really decipher through missing the relationshipy stuff, or actually missing him. There is no doubt I like him as a person, he is funny, and fun to be around. I like having the outlet of someone who doesn't go to Champlain that I can talk to about stuff, or just little stupid things. I just don't know. It is wierd that we are "done". I mean I know it was my choice, but was it really the right one? I guess my answer is yes. I know that deep down I made the right choice, and that once I move past it, I will be okay with it. Right now though, it kind of sucks. I find myself wanting to talk to him and go see him, just like normal. I know that we can't get back together though, becuase wheres that really going to put either of us? Is it really going to be any different? No. I just can't seem to let go of it completely...there's just a weakness there...

Oh how the years go by, and oh how the love brings tears to my eyes...

I can't believe I am a senior. I walk by my old dorm every day and just keep thinking I'm gonna go inside and find Daniela, Mandy, and Ermina, and have it be freshman year all over again. I keep feeling like I'm walking back from being at the suites with Caroline. I keep thinking Abbie is going to yell out the window at me. They are all gone now...and it is all being taken over by people who are just starting their college careers, with more than 3 years ahead of them to do what they wish with...and here I am, with 7 months left. I can't wrap my head around it.

Wake me up when september ends...

And so the year began. Orientation was long and tiring...it's finally over. I had a great group of students though, which is awesome. Some things just have worn me very very thin. Classes have been okay so far. None are really getting my attention to what would be really great. My teachers for some reason seem thouroughly disinterested in students, teaching, and life in general. I have 18 credits this semester...it's gonna be interesting. Hopefully I can pull it off without getting too stressed, and still having a little bit of fun. This weekend will be my first to relax in about three weeks. Unfortunately the only reason why I am going to be able to relax is because I have opted out of the CHAMP retreat this year. I am too tired out and I don't think I can handle it. It really sucks. Especially because a huge number of the people I spend all my time with are going to be there. However, there will also be a few that wouldn't make it fun for me, and there will be plenty left here to play with :) I guess I am just a little overwhelmed right now. Once I get my schedule figured out and get back settled into everything, I'm sure I will be fine.

I've defintiely had to make some hard decisions this week. Even though they suck, and I have had to give up some things that I am not entirely sure I want to give up...I know deep down I made the right choices. The retreat...wouldn't go well, I just know it. As for the boy...I just know I've got too much right now. I didn't think it wuold be this hard. I just try to tell myself that if I keep feeling like this, and realize I made a mistake...then maybe we can try again. If not, I will know I made the right choice. Still...it's hard. Overall, my heads in a million different places right now, I'm just waiting for the dust to settle.

Run baby run...don't ever look back

And so it begins. In just a few hours training for OL's starts. Your's truly is heading it up with Lisa this year. I am so honored and so proud that Lisa trusts me enough to hold so much responsibility this year. At the same time, it is a little unnerving. I am just nervous. I know that once I get started, it will all fall right into place. It is my first BIG facilitation though, so...definitely nervous. I've come so far since freshman year in my leadership role on this campus. I've been thinking that after school, I might want to find a job in student affairs, and possibly even go to grad school for it. UVM has a great program...all things to think about I guess. We'll see what the future holds...

So, I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that summer is over. I think that the reason it is so shocking is becuase of two reasons. First of all, I'm not moving. Usually the end of summer and beginning of the year is marked by a big move back to Burlington. This year I am already settled into my place, I never left from last year. Secondly, the past few summers have been spent crossing off days until the year started again. This summer I just enjoyed it. Four whole months...insane. I've had a great time though, lots of fun with friends, time spent in the sun, and of course...lots of laughter. I did a great job of living in the present, and I still am. I daresay I'm growing up a bit...wierd how that happens...