Revelations of the morning...

Not all cereals are better dry. Some awfully flaky ones that are good in milk are actually quite painful to consume unaccompanied.

Walking to work when it is still dark out becuase it is so early is not the most uplifting start to a day, neither is waking up 45 minutes before said early wake up time.

It's pretty easy for him to make me mad...but then again its pretty easy for him to make me smile too. :)

So overall the day didn't start so bad- other than the earlyness. It is hard to believe there are people who get up and function this early every day, especially in the winter. It is still dark out, I don't think anyone should have to be awake.

It is December, the 2nd to be exact, Melissa and Ricks bday! Ahh they are 22, we are getting so old (haha). The semester is rapidly coming to a close, and none too soon if you ask me. I'm sort of over it. Thanksgiving break was good, except for the sick part. It was nice to have some time to just sit around though. Hung out with the parentls alot, especially mom. Warning...dork alert, but we did a ton of puzzles, and can I just tell you that I am freakin phenomenal at them? I wish that was a field of study I could get into, or like make money off of somehow haha. Wow, seriously, I even astounded myself on the dork level on that one. Anyway, back here once more, 2.5 weeks left. I really don't have a huge amount of homeork to do though, which is rare for this time in the semester. I have a few papers to write-none too difficult. I have a lab or 2 left in nutrition, and some logs to finish up for literary magazine. All in all...I should be fine. I picked up a ton of extra hours until break which is awesome cause 1)I'm lower on money than I thought and 2) I wont be working for almost 3 weeks over break. $25 an hour at beans on christmas doenst sound so bad now...but it would if I actually had to do it. In any case, I filled some empty HUB shifts and then Lina just let me re-do my schedule to get 30 hours a week. I love my jobs felxibility. Hopefully I'll be able to actually pull off working that many hours on top of finals and such. Starting yesterday until the 17th I have 75 hours. Man I can't wait to get THAT pay check haha. All in all, things are going okay...

Oh, one last revelation for the morning...canned fruit cocktail is not a sufficient breakfast beside a baggie of dry pointy cereal...can you tell my pantrys lookin a little bare these days?

we all need saving sometimes...

So what are you supposed to do when you don't know what to do anymore? We learn, as children, to problem solve. First it is just in school, and then, ever so gradually, we realize the real problems we have to solve aren't on paper. They aren't math problems, or logic. They, instead, are the deep, hurtful wounds that we sometimes don't even know we have. Things just start surfacing until one day we realize we are in the middle of a mess we have created, and have absolutely no idea how to fix. The real problem, is that we don't know what the hell the problem is. But, we have been taught to problem solve. So we try to solve, but we don't know what we are solving, or how to tell if we have actually solved it-which is a problem in itself. We just keep going, waiting for the day it all comes into a neat answer at the bottom of a piece of paper.

don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been..and i've made up my mind, i aint wastin no more time

October? Really? Fall is kicking in hard here in Northern Vermont. I can't say I am too thrilled. The colder weather isn't something I am looking forward to. Not only does cold mean jackets and layers and gray and wayyyy too much darkness, but it means snow, and lack of being able to drive whenever I want. I know you will be surprised to hear that the good old Pontiac only drives on dry pavement. We all know that is hard to find in a VT winter.

It is a bit strange that I always seem so full of thought when I get on here to write and when I arrive here, I find my thoughts are few. I think "uninspired" is the word- the one to describe my life in general as of late. It's not that I don't like school, or my job, or my friends (well I don't like them, I'm pretty much fucking in love with every last one), it is just that all put together I feel like I need something more. Unfortunately I don't quite know what it is. I feel sheltered only by the fact that I know I am not alone in this feeling, on the brink of my future. I really have no idea where next year, or the years to follow will take me. That, unfortunately, is the exciting and the fucking terrifying part all rolled into one. I will say this...

Today I was inspired. I am not really sure why, but all the right thoughts came together, and I've decided I am going to write a book. In all my experience and schooling with writing, I've never really wanted to write one, but now I do. Who knows if I will finish it, or if I will and just keep it to myself, or if it will make me super famous and rich and change my life. Either way, it cant hurt anything to throw a bunch of stories onto paper. I've always thought of myself as somewhat of a boring person. However, looking at it all, I know that isn't true. Maybe my stories are weak, but I make them interesting, becuase there are quite a few things that just happen to me...like...why? Haha. Plus, plenty of people have mundane lives. I'm all about making the ordinary into extrordinary- and if it doesn't work, whats the harm in trying? So it begins...

The only other thing I have to rant about at moments such as this one are about a certain boy I know...I miss him. Or I should say, I can't decide. I don't know if I can really decipher through missing the relationshipy stuff, or actually missing him. There is no doubt I like him as a person, he is funny, and fun to be around. I like having the outlet of someone who doesn't go to Champlain that I can talk to about stuff, or just little stupid things. I just don't know. It is wierd that we are "done". I mean I know it was my choice, but was it really the right one? I guess my answer is yes. I know that deep down I made the right choice, and that once I move past it, I will be okay with it. Right now though, it kind of sucks. I find myself wanting to talk to him and go see him, just like normal. I know that we can't get back together though, becuase wheres that really going to put either of us? Is it really going to be any different? No. I just can't seem to let go of it completely...there's just a weakness there...

Oh how the years go by, and oh how the love brings tears to my eyes...

I can't believe I am a senior. I walk by my old dorm every day and just keep thinking I'm gonna go inside and find Daniela, Mandy, and Ermina, and have it be freshman year all over again. I keep feeling like I'm walking back from being at the suites with Caroline. I keep thinking Abbie is going to yell out the window at me. They are all gone now...and it is all being taken over by people who are just starting their college careers, with more than 3 years ahead of them to do what they wish with...and here I am, with 7 months left. I can't wrap my head around it.

Wake me up when september ends...

And so the year began. Orientation was long and tiring...it's finally over. I had a great group of students though, which is awesome. Some things just have worn me very very thin. Classes have been okay so far. None are really getting my attention to what would be really great. My teachers for some reason seem thouroughly disinterested in students, teaching, and life in general. I have 18 credits this semester...it's gonna be interesting. Hopefully I can pull it off without getting too stressed, and still having a little bit of fun. This weekend will be my first to relax in about three weeks. Unfortunately the only reason why I am going to be able to relax is because I have opted out of the CHAMP retreat this year. I am too tired out and I don't think I can handle it. It really sucks. Especially because a huge number of the people I spend all my time with are going to be there. However, there will also be a few that wouldn't make it fun for me, and there will be plenty left here to play with :) I guess I am just a little overwhelmed right now. Once I get my schedule figured out and get back settled into everything, I'm sure I will be fine.

I've defintiely had to make some hard decisions this week. Even though they suck, and I have had to give up some things that I am not entirely sure I want to give up...I know deep down I made the right choices. The retreat...wouldn't go well, I just know it. As for the boy...I just know I've got too much right now. I didn't think it wuold be this hard. I just try to tell myself that if I keep feeling like this, and realize I made a mistake...then maybe we can try again. If not, I will know I made the right choice. Still...it's hard. Overall, my heads in a million different places right now, I'm just waiting for the dust to settle.

Run baby run...don't ever look back

And so it begins. In just a few hours training for OL's starts. Your's truly is heading it up with Lisa this year. I am so honored and so proud that Lisa trusts me enough to hold so much responsibility this year. At the same time, it is a little unnerving. I am just nervous. I know that once I get started, it will all fall right into place. It is my first BIG facilitation though, so...definitely nervous. I've come so far since freshman year in my leadership role on this campus. I've been thinking that after school, I might want to find a job in student affairs, and possibly even go to grad school for it. UVM has a great program...all things to think about I guess. We'll see what the future holds...

So, I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that summer is over. I think that the reason it is so shocking is becuase of two reasons. First of all, I'm not moving. Usually the end of summer and beginning of the year is marked by a big move back to Burlington. This year I am already settled into my place, I never left from last year. Secondly, the past few summers have been spent crossing off days until the year started again. This summer I just enjoyed it. Four whole months...insane. I've had a great time though, lots of fun with friends, time spent in the sun, and of course...lots of laughter. I did a great job of living in the present, and I still am. I daresay I'm growing up a bit...wierd how that happens...

We live and we learn to take one step at a time...

At a young age I started in on creating what would become one of my biggest flaws. I get way too excited about things, I have way too high of expectations for things, and more often than not I end up getting let down. Though I would never want to be someone who doesn't let themselves get excited about anything, being the way I am is recipe for disaster at times. The higher your hopes are up...the farther you have for them to fall. Over the past few years I have been through a lot. I have finally been able to make myself have a reality check and not let my guard down when it comes to things that could end up making me upset. After everything that happened, Caroline coming seemed too good to be true. Yet for once I let my guard come crashing down. There was really no way I couldn't, I haven't seen her in so long and I love her so much. I didn't realize that it seemed to good to be true for a reason. On Tuesday night around 11:30, 9 hours before she was supposed to be on a plane heading for here...her parents found out about some shit that went down, and made her cancel her ticket. As much as I understand, and I am not angry at anyone for what happened...it just sucks so much. I was in total and utter shock when she told me. I just could not even begin to concieve how we had gotten SO close this time to her actually coming, and it just...wasn't going to happen. I felt so utterly helpless. I knew that there was nothing I could do to change the decision that had been made, and I knew there was nothing I could do to try and fix it, make it better, or stop the inevitble. I think helplessness is quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the whole world. At least if your pissed off, or hurt, or upset, you can do something about it. I hate when there's absolutely nothing you can do. All in all I'm doing okay...I obviously am soooo sad she isn't here. It is really wierd, every time I look at the calander and realize this is when she is supposed to be here I get really sad. It's just strange becuase everything here is just...the same. Nothing has changed at all, and the only difference is that this week was supposed to be different. Overall I am more worried about her. I know she feels totally responsible and I can't even begin to fathom the wieght shes feeling on her shoulders right now. If I had enough money right now, I would be in my car or on a plane to see her and try and make it a little easier. I miss her so bad. I guess after everything, even though it didn't work out, it sort of did. All I ever wanted after all this time was for her and I to be the friends we used to be. People don't become instant best friends after a day for no reason at all...after all thats happened, and all the water under the bridge, she is still one of my best friends, and this has all made me realize that we've gotten back to that point, whether we've seen each other or not. I try not to worry... I know someday soon we'll be together again.

Everyone has been really supportive of me the past few days, becuase all the people who knew how excited I was know, in turn, how devastated I feel right now. But, I'm glad to have who I have in my life, I am so lucky, and I love sooo many people. Not to mention, Justin has been amazing about the whole thing. I don't want to sound like a bitch but I didn't really expect him to be...Not that I expected him to be bad about it...I don't know. It's wierd, with so many people I let my guard down easily. With him..it's different. I know it's becuase he is a boyfriend, not just a friend. However, for some reason I am treading really lightly. Ty and I used to talk about it because I have always been a person that trusts people until they give me a reason not to. Tyler is a person who doesn't trust until you give him a reason to actually trust you. I didn't realize until now, but I have turned that way as well. However, it is working just fine because when I haven't expected much out of the boy, he has proved that he can be someone I can turn to for support. Let's just say with the whole thing this week...he has definitely earned a lot of brownie points haha.

So what do we do...keep going I guess, it's really our only option. As long as I can hold my head high at the end of the day, and know that I have people to lean on when I can't hold my head up alone anymore...that is all that matters to me. I am truely blessed.

CLW. I love you so much. Stay strong baby girl, brighter skies are ahead....bFff

We're always having waaay more fun than it makes sense to be having....

I'm trying my best to live in the moment. The moments that have been coming my way are amazing. As much as I try to be eternally optamistic, I know that part of me sees the gray in things. The gray, as of now, is that I just know things can't stay so good forever. Here I am on the brink of my senior year of college. How did I get here? I hate to sound cliche but it seems like yesterday I was getting ready for my FRESHMAN year. Now I am suddenly supposed to be growing up, knowing what I wan't to do, being ready to graduate. Truth is...I'm not. I think part of me will never grow up, and I like it that way. It isn't hard to realize why older people say college was the best years of their life. If "they" had half as much fun as I have, I'm sure it'd be hard to beat. I'm gonna try my best though. I really dont see the point in being so serious about life. What does it really do for you, honestly? When I am old, I am going to love my wrinkles. It means I showed emoition, and got countless pretty kick ass tans. You can be damn sure I am going to have wrinkles around my eyes, not from crying, but from laughing, and from laughing so hard I end up crying. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am going to make the absolute best of my senior year, and know that whats ahead will be just as amazing if I make it that way. In short, I adore my life. I love the ups, and the downs. Though theres been a bit too much rain this summer, it makes Vermont green. The kind of green that waits for the blue sky days to errupt, and glow.

One of those days was this past Saturday. Jamielynn, Whitney and I went driving. Jokingly around exit 12 we said "lets just drive until we see a scenic overlook". Well, my friend, I will have you know that for as many times as you see those words posted on a sign when aimlessly driving, they are rather hard to stumble upon by chance. Though we never found an official scenic overlook, we definitly enjoyed the scenery along the way. I tried to snap like 400 pictures of a "mountinous landscape" but usually hit a dip in the road at about the time the flash clicked, and ended up with trees. Long story short, we drove on 89 until we got bored and continued onto 91, exited randomly because we had to pee, and landed ourselves in chesterfield at Kathleen's house. Who knew abnormally large straws, un-attractively rolled up sleeves, insanely loud HORRIBLE singing, and screaming outlandishly could provide us with such glorious entertainment. I. Had. So. Much. Fun. Days like that, aside from many things, make me really wish I didn't love Jamielynn so much. She is leaving for a semester abroad in Ireland starting in a few weeks. Let me tell you, not thrilled. I adore her. We have had our share of ups and downs, espeically considering freshman year we "hated each other" for really no reason at all. That is probably my favorite drunken friend I have ever made. "Hi, why do you hate me" "what? becuase you hate ME" "i do not" "i didn't call you a whore" "can we be friends please" "OKAY". Oh the rest is history. I am so happy that she gets to experience Ireland, but sooooo sad she wont be here for 4 months. Oh good, now I'm tearing up, sitting at the hub, typing on my blog...sad day Elizabeth. I can't cry..becuase then she'll cry...and we look FAT WHEN WE CRY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Love you darling.





On other notes. Justin finally closed on his condo!!! So happy for him. As of 4pm Friday he is officially a home owner. While I was off galavanting through the VT countryside, he and Ty were moving all his stuff into his new place. Yesterday I did my good girlfriend duties and went shopping with him for things for his house. "I don't know how dan did this alone, its so much easier with a girl..you made me a list! you knew just what to get! man, that didn't take long at all". hahahahhaha oh man. We went to wal mart, and sears, and then Burlington bedrooms, where I made him (and by made him, i mean merely suggested he try the pillow top mattress, and in turn, with 5 seconds of laying on it, bought it) purchase the MOST comfortable bed I think I have ever slept on. I love my bed, but his pretty much puts mine to shame.

All in all. Life is good. Summer is winding down, but the year is sure to be a good one. Also, unbelievably, a countdown that started at 37, but really sinc last april, is down to 2. On wednesday at noon I will be departing to the Manchester Airport for Caroline's 3:00 arrival. Words can really not do justice to how excited I am to see her. After everything that has happened this year, she is still one of my best friends, and I absolutely adore her. As much as it sucks that after a week which I am sure will go by all kinds of way too fast...she will return south, I am so glad I get a week with her. Life takes us all different places, a fact I need to get used to, considering a year from now is nothing but unknown to me and all the people I love. I just try to realize, and hold onto the fact that the memories we make, and the people we make them with, are things we will never lose.

I'm a lucky girl to have so much, and so many wonderful people in my life.

Today I finally overcame trying to put the world into a picture frame

Life is beautiful. Vermont is beautiful. Summer is amazing. Love.

Enough said

"Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose...my...way....with words"

if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain

I have a fairly unhealthy obsession with Grey's anatomy, and dunkin donuts iced coffee. I will forever be a country bumpkin. the ocean makes me smile wider than pretty much anything. Maine and Vermont are both home to me. I love the summertime, pink sunsets, floating, sand in my toes, and though it may be unhealthy, getting a kick ass tan. I think that chocolate was created as repentence for giving women a monthly week of feeling like shit, and that the calories in chocolate during that week are void. I try to be chill about things but admit that sometimes I am a complete drama queen. I think I am a good person. I adore my friends. I think that people come and go but it doesnt mean they aren't important in life. I think this world makes perfect sense and no sense at all...all at once. I think that most of the time I am okay with that. I think that taking the extra moment to breathe in the all around great days and moments in life is what helps you through the bad ones. I think that standing in the summer rain can wash away almost any problem, or at least give you the energy to deal with it. Most of all, though I know it is cliche to say so, I believe that the Beatles were right...There's nothing you can do but learn how to be in time...it's easy....all you need is love.

people irritate me

So though I haven't been aaaaaaas angry as I usually am lately, lets face it...this is still me we're talking about. So in the past few weeks I have discovered a few things that freaking drive me INSANE.

1) When jack ass horrible drivers cut you off in traffic...blatantly and then wave to you like you just did them some grand favor by slamming your breaks on so as not to slam into the back of them...yeah YOUR WELCOME ASS HOLE. I mean seriously. First of all I let someone into traffic yesterday on my own accord, the man proceeded to wave into his rear veiw mirror for like 10 minutes until i acknowledged that he was infact waving and thanking me for letting him in. this is the only reason I knew what the next ass hole in a blue mini van was doing when he veered across 3 lanes, lingered until i waved, and then veered 2 more to get onto the highway. douche baaaag.

2) When you are standing in line at a grocery store, or any sort of check out counter at any sort of store...and the person behind you is IN YOUR BUBBLE. jesus freakin christ. I just want to turn around and be like "EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOSE YOUR PLACE IN LINE, PLEASE STEP BACK" it fucking drives me in-fucking-sane. The other day i was at marshalls or something and some ginormously fat lady (sorry, its mean, but its true and she was annoying) was flaling around looking at the sale items near the counter or something and kept careening her purse into my ass. i was so fucking irritated i wanted to grab her bag and hit her over the head with it. Then yesterday i had to go to Dicks to get ping pong balls and new pool cues for the SLC and the lady fucked up rining them out and had to re-do the whole thing and the guy behind me was like raping my side he was standing so close. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh it is so annoying

3) Third and finally. When the schedule on the wall says the hours are "6:30-2 and 4-7" it means that the gym will re-open at 4:00" It means that when you come in at 3:40 and stare at the dark gym looking confused...yeah...we arent open yet. we dont open early, we open AT FOUR. and also, one last thing, when you call at 5pm on a monday and ask "what are your hours" and i say 6:30-2" why the sweet FUCK is your response "so you arent open now?". no fuck tard, learn to tell time

Under summer stars...

Things are getting better.....finally. Seemingly atleast, stuff has started to turn around. I've moved into my new place and I'm getting settled in. I basically decided I was sort of over the whole angry thing. So I did what I could and I finally fixed some relationships that were in definite need of it. I'm so glad. Also, I have some potential on the horizon that came out of no where....I guess I'll just see where that goes. But long story short...things are getting better. :)

The urge to run, the restlessness, the heart of stone I sometimes get, the things I do for foolish pride, the me that's never satisfied...

I find it rather pathetic that my life has been so stressful/ blah lately that when I just went on facebook and discovered that all my bumper stickers had been erased...I nearly cried. Seriously? I am so sick of being so un-freaking-satisfied with everything. I am finall getting control of some finanical stuff, moved out of my house, moving into my new place next week. it just...never seems enough. I'm trying to make it all be enough, but I can't seem to. I am really sick of a lot of things the way they currently are. I have always been so fucking hard on myself about everything. I try to cut myself some slack, and realize that the mere fact that I am worried about the things I am worried about means that I am a decent person. I just...don't like the person I think I am sometimes. I want to not like some people I like, and I want to like some people I seemingly dont, because there is no real reason for both. I want to stop kicking myself in the ass for wanting things to be even remotely close to the way they used to be. I want things to actually get back to that. I want to not be so bitter. I want alot of things.

I've got a lot to say to you, yeah I've got a lot to say...

I've always been someone who notices people. I notice things about people, even if the only interaction I have with them is passing them on campus, or somewhere else on a regular basis. People watching is an extremely interesting thing to do, humans are very strange beings. I guess I am just a person who always has her head up, looking. I think it tells a lot about a person if they walk with their head up or down. I always walk with my head up....I space out from time to time, but I rarely stare at my feet when I walk...seriously, who does that? I have found the hub to be an extremely intersting place to see people. Since it is summer, the same people are walking by around the same times every day. There is one kid who apparently has missed the memo that you can infact purchase clothing, and that the free t-shirts accumulated from campus events do not infact make up a wardrobe...there is also a lady, who I saw again today, who walks staring at her feet. I don't mean she walks staring at the ground, or just not making eye contact, I mean she walks with her chin to her chest like STARING AT THE GROUND. not gonna lie, I'd probably laugh if she ran into someone/something. haha I'm horrible.

On another note, but sort of related...I guess because I am someone who notices other people, I always assume other people take notice too. I think it's a good characteristic to have. There is this guy who lives in a certain apartment, with certain roomates who I know, where I have partied allllllll year, and alot last year, and spent a fair amount of time. You'd think he might know what my name was, considering...oh yeah, not only do i hang out there, but I've made out with him. Now, I'm not saying it was anything spectacular, or meaningful, I was fairly close to blacked out, and really don't give a shit. HOWEVER, that does not mean I don't fucking know his name. Well last night we were all there, and when we were leaving he was on the phone with someone, and telling them who was still there. Ummm I don't know about you, but I personally didn't hear the name Elizabeth, I just heard LINDSAY. Where do you get lindsay from elizabeth, oh thats right, you dont. I'm sorry. it isn't like it matters, cause I don't give a crap about this dude, and am quite ashamed that I am even wasting a second thought on it right now. But seriously?! He thinks he is such hot shit, when really it is becuase he has his giant head shoved so far up his giant ass hole that he thinks is all above everyone else. It just disgusts me to think that someone can be that self centered that he can't even....ugh, you know what, this is so pointless. He is a douche. Some people are just douches. The end.

Here's your sign...

The Stupidity of the Human Race....

Well, I didn't think that after my days at L.L. Bean had ceased I would have to deal with old people not being able to see signs again. Fear not! I am sitting in the fitness center right now and have been since 1. There is an event downstairs in the gym tonight...a spelling bee? I am not sure what it is supporting, or why there are about 100 old people meandering in here, but it is entertaining none the less. Today Rich and Mike came in and put up a GIANT sign above the door to downstairs ( I'm serious...it is 3 ft x 4ft ) that says "ARGOSY GYMNASIUM" and then has a giant arrow pointing DOWN. tell me HOW you can miss that? I really don't understand. So most people come in, and after a few minutes of confusion either a) figure it out or b) give up and take the elevator. I was blessed however to get to witness the search by one old couple. They came down the big staircase (so they were staring DIRECTLY at the sign) got to the bottom and looked in every direction. First they went down the hall where the locker rooms are, looked through the window down into the gym, came back. Then they went out towards the back door, where the staircase is, and not only did they look under the stairs to see if thats where the other set was...but they stood and staired at the floor as if another set of stairs was going to miraculously appear. Then they stood at the HUB for about 5 minutes. Finally they came in here and asked where the stairs to the gym were....and I told them. "Oh, there they are" the woman replied....with that I say..SERIOUSLY? seriously? so special. I am not kidding you people, this was at least an 8 minute search for the door. It isn't that big of an area to look people. Good lord. People are stupid. The end.

Oh I live for little moments like that...

So I woke up this morning to come to the HUB at 9:30 for the rest of the day...it's a pretty nice day outside. I was in a good mood waking up, talked to whit for a while as I was getting ready for work, and then drove down to dunkin donuts to get an iced coffee before work. As I was driving down, "Love Song" came on the radio, so I rocked out to that, and then I went and ordered my breakfast sandwhich and coffee (which used up my gift card that my loves got me for my birthday..sad haha) and for some reason just felt really happy. Usually when I drive I get all irritated with people becuase well....generally people are stupid, and bad drivers. Today I didn't care though, and the people were nice, and friendly, and the guy made really good coffee, the kind where the sugar isnt even stuck in the bottom or anything. For just a few moments...I just felt really good. I hate to be all cheesy and sound like a beatles song or anything (though i love the beatles) but I think moments like that are all we really need in this world. If everyone was just a little bit more patient, a little bit more considerate, and a little bit more kind to everyone else...this world would be a better place.

So yeah, today is going well. I am really over this whole "being sad" thing. It's so easy to just feel sorry for myself and bitch about everything, when deep down I know, it's not really that bad. It is hard right now becuase I don't really feel content with stuff, and my life is really boring, and it's kinda hard to change that since I don't know what is making me feel discontent. I mean, I could get another job, find a hobby, do something else (though I've tried to think of things, and I really can't) to fill my time..but I just dont know what to do. I mean I know that I've been really lonely lately, but I can't just go out and find a boyfriend...it doesn't work that way, so I just need to get over myself and stop feeling bad about it. That just isn't in my control right now, so why the hell would I waste my time worrying about it? that isn't me. I haven't been me lately, and that needs to change...so, I'll do what I can.


On a different note, last night dan, tim and I wen't downtown and met up with Birms! I hadn't seen him since his departure from Champlain, it's been...woah almost a month, wierd. But it was really good to see him, and we had a good time. I think we're gonna get together sometime later on in the summer too, which will be good. I hope whoever takes his spot is cool, I really love my job here, but alot of the reason I loved it was because of him. So, hopefully whoever comes in his spot will a) be chill, b) get alone with me therefore letting me keep my job and c) not be a type a stick up the ass douche canoe...haha classy description, i know.

Alright, I have nothing else to say at the moment. I shall now go find things to entertain me here at the lovely HUB for the remainder of the day.

There's nothing you can do, but learn how to be in time. It's easy, all you need is love.

What ever happened to my lunch box? When came the day that it got thrown away, and don't you think I should've had some say in that decision?

I'm sick of being grown up. Entirely, and completely sick of it. The scariest part is, I'm not even out of college yet. I don't even have a whole lot of bills to pay, and somehow I'm very close to out of money. I noticed I was nearing the danger zone, and tried to turn it around. It didn't help that my boss quit his job, leaving me without hours for 2 weeks, and putting me out another $250 bucks. I haven't been home since February. Though there isn't a whole lot of excitment there, or friends to see, I wanted to go. It would be nice to get away from here for a few days too, since alot of stuff here has been bogging my mind down. Though some of that stuff is starting to resolve, it doesn't change the fact that I want to go home. I have to work tomorrow until 6:30 which would mean I wouldn't be able to leave until then, putting me home at 10:30 if there was no traffic (on a Friday night headed south..yeah okay). If I waited until Saturday morning, I would get home around noon, and be able to be there for just over a day. It would cost $90 in gas and tolls alone, for one fucking day. I can't do it.

I have a paycheck for over 65 hours coming but I wont get it until the 17th. That means I won't be able to go home until the 22nd, leaving after work at 7:30, and driving late, or leaving early. At least that would let me be home for more than one day. Balllllllls this sucks. Not to mention I just broke my parents hearts when I called and said I wasn't coming...a) becuase I wasn't coming and b) becuase their only supposedly financially stable daughter, the one who's always been on top of the money thing suddenly...isn't. Which means very soon (as soon as I go home) a lovely finance discussion is going to happen. Even when I was on top of it I got lectured, so this should be really good. I can't fucking handle this shit anymore. I really can't. It's just all so complex and hard. Everything is. I try to imagine this "home" that I know deep down doesn't exist. I think when I go there, maybe, just once, everything will be okay, but who am I kidding, only myself I guess. None of my friends are there, and my house just isn't a happy place right now. It's hard to go home and be mary sunshine and tra la la like nothing is ever wrong. That is waht they want, they want be to be sincere in my mary-sunshine-ness all the time. They just want to see that I am happy, but they can't see it, because when I am there...I'm not. Granted, I go through my ups and downs here too, but at least there is ups. There, theres not usually. That is a hard thing to face, but I can't imagine facing that through my parents eyes, knowing that their daughters are better off being far away. It sucks. I wish it was different, but it's out of my control at this point, and I have to keep remembering that there is nothing I can do to change the way things are. I just have to continue to do what I can to not make it worse, just like I've been doing since I was 12....What I would give for just one day of before I was 12, just one day of barbie weddings and camping trips, and rollerblading in the basement, and getting to hang out in my big sisters room listening to hootie and the blowfish cassettes, or sitting in casco bay on our boat listening to the waves roll up against the hull. Maybe thats why I'm so in love with the ocean...becuase we spent so much time on it when things were still okay, or atleast when I still believed they were....

Hold on baby, you're losin it, the waters high, you're jumpin into it and letting go, and no one knows that you cry and you dont tell anyone...

I've been really sad lately. Within the past week, I dunno...something just doesn't feel right. I guess it is just all the change that has happened lately, I never deal with it well. The school year ended, a ton of my friends are gone home for the summer which totally sucks. Quite a few of my close friends are still here though, which is good, but it still feels awfully empty around here. The campus is deserted, and strange. Jess and Kathleen both moved out. Whitney moved in for the month, but it is wierd without the other two. It isn't like we had the best of years, but it still feels empty, and different. I finally found an apartment, which is exciting, now I can't wait to move out of this house. 24 days and counting, it couldn't come fast enough. Again, another change, but atleast it is a good one. Moving will be a nice distraction, I need distraction. My mind has been way too busy lately, alot of stuff is running around up there and will not stop. So basically my over-thinking, overanalyzing just runs around in circles and never helps anything. Frustrated.

Anna and I sat around the other day and watched old grey's episodes, it was glorious. I think I'll just live vicariously through fictional people so I don't have to focus on my own retardedly boring, mundane life. Oh did I mention like all of the episodes at some point made me cry? I also decided it would be a GREAT idea to go see Made of Honor the other night with Anna. A chick flick about a guy and a girl who are best friends....seriously Elizabeth? Good life choice. Yeah, cried pretty much the entire movie. I miss the way things were....Frustrated.

Too many things/people are bugging me lately. Believe me, the need to be ambiguous right now is killing me. I would like nothing more than to rip a couple people a new one with words right now, but I'm not supposed to- it's rude. I am just supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine. Too bad all I wan't to do right now is scream, and tell some people what I really think, maybe they would stop being so naive, and open their eyes.....Frustrated.

no, my dog wont bite you-though she had the right to, man I give her credit, cause she knows I would've let it happen...

7:23 am. Second full shift at the HUB. Yesterday was 6:30-6:30, today is 6:30-7:30. Umm, kinda blows. haha. I don't mind becuase it is money, and it's not like its hard to sit here and check ID's and do the occasional task for Lisa. The only difference between sitting here and sitting around my house is that when I'm home I can SLEEP, which would be nice, but oh well, I'm getting paid. Yeah...I guess that is all I have to say about that. Plus, now I don't have to work until Friday, becuase tomorrow is my TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY, and thursday is my TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY HANGOVER. haha , it's gonna suck, but i'm sure it'll be worth it.

In other news. I've been showing the house for Steve since he lives an hour away, plus I guess is in the process of moving himself. I've shown it 6 or 7 times and had alot of interest. Last night I talked to him on the phone, and he basically wants the applicants to send me their information and then for me to rate them and tell him why I think they would or wouldn't be good applicants. Then he informed me he had to bring up a "tender subject" and said that the neighbors had called him and I assume had gotten together to discuss it...and asked him to rent the house to more "family friendly people". UM- EXCUSE ME? fuck you, seriously. A) you have absolutley no say in what we do, who we have at our house, what cars we park on the residential street that belongs to ALL of us etc etc etc. B) you have ABSOLUTELY no right to call the owner of the house and tell him what kind of people he should rent the house to. C) WE HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING WRONG. There could've been soooo much worse people in that house, exhibit a) the guys across the street. It pisses me off so bad, because I have to be here for another month. But on the other hand, it just makes me laugh becuase these people are so pathetic, and rude, and clearly have nothing better to do in their lives then pick on the college kids who live next door. fuckkkkkk it all.

The year in that house couldn't have turned out further than my expectations. Thinking back on a year ago signing that lease, I would've never thought it would turn out like this. I guess that goes to show....one of my worst flaws has always been my tendancy to get my hopes up. Unfortunately I've learned though there are some things, there isn't a whole lot worth getting your hopes up for. I always have expectations about things that I shouldn't. It always ends the same way when its all said and done...I get let down. I don't know if that will ever go away, if eventually after one too many let downs I will start to grow cynical and un trusting. Or if I will remain hopeful, even though I know I shouldn't, and maybe someday be proved that it was all worth it. I have lost a lot of trust in people this year, for reasons no one even knows about... but time after time, I get screwed over. I guess its good to know that I do atleast have a handful of people in my life that I can trust, and that I know wont lose that trust from those people. I dunno, sometimes stuff is just hard. The good news is, not only do I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to move in a month, but all I do know is that I am going to be living with someone or some people who I don't know. Therefore, no expectations at all, so hopefully it will turn out alright...

Wow, this is a long entry. One last story before I leave....our second annual Russell backyard end of the year camping trip happened last friday. It was pretty fun. We did a case race. Team rambles finally got to compete haha. We WON. bitches. but, only by 1 beer, and the other team had one less person than us...however they did have 2 MILITARY MEN, so I'm gonna say they shouldve kicked ass...come on boys this is America, all you need to know how to do is drink haha. We also had a mini edward 40 hands...however it wasnt 40's, they were just cans of bud light, and it was scotch tape. tyler and I are fairly classy people if you DIDNT know.

After the case race, Ty decided he needed more beer, so Brug-sters (yes, i've decided dans name is now brug-sters) got tyler another 24...seriously? That was apparently split between blair jamielynn and ty, though jamie only drank 3, and blair took all hers home with her. so that left tyler with yet another 13 beers. needless to say at the end of the night he was retarded. Highlights of drunk tyler included the entire package of hot dogs that he managed to attempt to cook, yet dropped in the fire instead. watching him be destructive drunk, (throwing chairs and burning things) and then productive drunk (stacking chairs and cleaning up). Not to mention every can he threw at the emptys bag managed to go right in. hahah hilarious. but my FAVORITE moment of the night was when jamie was talking to one of shannons friends about alaska and tyler got up and started stumbling out into the darkness and goes "you know what you should really do! live on a king crab fishing boat for three months! THAT'LL MAKE YOU A MAN" I still have no idea what he was talking about, but it was hilarious. Oh goodness, I think that is the end of my stories. more might come later, since I have a 13 hour shift today, and really nothing at all to do.

Does this remind anyone else of King Tritan from the little mermaid?

Ty at about 4:30am. Can we say too-many-beers? You can't say he's not entertaining, it's why I keep him around ;-)

Closing time...

Well it's official...my Junior year of college is DONE and I'm a senior...reeeeediculous. This time of year is so weird, on one hand I'm glad the year is over, because I get a break from classes, and becuase this semester/year hasnt been that great. On the other hand, who am I kidding, I like school, I'd rather be doing homework than working a shitty mall job, and there've been parts to this semester that have been amazing. I hate to watch all these people I've gotten close to this year slowly pack up and ship out I know they'll be back, some of them only in 1 month, but it seems like so long! It is definitely bitter sweet...

It's also wierd this year becuase I'm not going home. I'm starting work at the HUB today, and by starting I mean I'm already here, and have been since 6:30am (yikes). I'll be working alot the next few weeks to cover Alicia and Rachel, which is fine by me, cause the more money the better right now. I have to find another job becuase this isnt going to be nearly enough hours to keep me busy. Oh and while I'm finding neccessary things...might I find an apartment? Holy hell this has been the process. I have e-mailed over 30 people about over 30 different apartments (not kidding) and NONE have worked out. Considering I only have a month and 5 days left on my lease, I need to get on the stick. I am so stressed out about not knowing where I'm moving to in June. I swear to god if I end up at home this summer I'm going to go fucking insane..legit.

Hm, on other notes, what's going on...oh I'm turning 21 in 5 days AH, so exciting. We're all going camping tonight at Ty's like we did last year. Excited...but hoping a few more people come, cause otherwise I'm not going to be 3rd, or 5th...yes thats right, I will be the SEVENTH wheel. that shit aint right. I have opinions I could insert here, but I suppose I'll refrain...I miss the way things used to be

flashing LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS

So, yesterday was like the most rediculous/crazy/fun day I have had in AWHILE. Ps its the last week of classes, and 1:22 am, clearly i shouldnt be updating my blog..oh well. So I woke up at like 11:30...rare for me, kath and jess were off to the dance team banquet until 2, so i stayed in bed till like 1230 then got up and made myself breakfast and then cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned the stove, emptied trash/organized recycling, plus cleaned up a few messes from this weekend haha, then i was like OKAY and i was all determined to go to the library all day and do work. I had a paper due today for the feminine mystique, and my anthology is due thursday plus a 3 page intro, i have my media presentation tomorrow for macro, and so it goes on and on. So i was like oh yay im gonna go get all this crapola done and be all accomplished. I get to the library and was making myself a schedule on the comps on the second floor when katelyn texts me informing me of a certain presence at the library, and i was like OMG "i am there!" so up to the vista room i frolicked finding anna katelyn and corey, decked out in giant green headphones and blangin white sun glasses, who only ever spoke when the sky changed yelling such things as "the fog!" "the ring" and "circle of light!", she decided that the sky was changing based on horror film titles, then some crows flew by and i had some really intelligent insight about ravens as told by lucas scott on one tree hill....classssy. We also were fairly sure we saw champ swimming out in the lake, and i quoted napoleon dynamite like 20 times "DID YOU KNOW JAPANESE SCIENTISTS PUT DETINATORS AT THE BOTTOM OF LAKE LOCH NESS...TO BLOW NESSIE OUT OF THE WATER" hahahah i love myself...and so brings me to my first fabulous quote of the day "I really wish i had a clone, i feel like i would be really fun to hang out with" hahha katelyn liked that one. so then anna and corey eventually left, we had some visitors...including a group from a class who apparently thought the room WE WERE ALREADY IN was a great place to have a meeting..fuckers.

And then there were two...we were being the biggest tools ever, clearly getting no work done at all, and laughing HISTARICALLY at EVERYTHING. it was amazing. i managed to copy 4 poems into my anthology, and though we left it out...we found a pretty amazing piece of literature that went a little something like this...

America
America America
America America

yeah, last time i checked, that wasnt a word, 2 year old children could spell out more profound poetry with there got damn alpha-bits.

so after 900 years went by, and by that i mean 3.5 hours, off to al's we went to fetch some iced cream. alica was none too pleased with her nonfat no sugar FRO YO for over 3 dollars when i got a scoop of cookie dough for under 2. wooops. nothing too exhilerating happened there, except for tinas story about finding me standing in the hall at brentons on friday doing absolutely nothing all by myself...oh alcohol, thanks. and then i got agitated because the yonder sunset was pretty but we couldnt see it cause we were not atop the hill and we were in freakin AL'S so i go "we sit at the top of the library for 4 hours looking at the sky and the second the sun starts to set we leave to go sit in AL'S, FOR WHAT? so we can look at the damn red booths! and red hats! and red shirts!!! ITS LIKE AN EFFIN TARGET IN HERE" ....anna liked that one, and we got some special looks, but laughed alot..which is pretty much all thats worth anything anyway.

after als we decided that we were not done hanging out, and ventured to spinner. katelyn and anna did laundry, i occupied myself trying to climb into a dryer, contimplating how funny it would be to find someone sleeping on the shelf in the laundry room, and doing leaps in front of all the doors all the way down the 6th floor hallway. then we sat there cracking up about life until 2 in the mornign, including an ab work out, a flashing lights dance sesh, and lots of talk sex with sue.

it
was
rediculous
AND amazing

and i wasnt even the slightest bit mad that i had 4 sentences on my paper written. i tried to get up this morning and write it but slept instead, so whipped it out in a little over an hour between classes...it was magnificent.

all in all it was probably one of the best days of all semester, we just laughed like histarically for about 12 hours, it was sooo much fun and i was in the best mood all day today, we had our first OL meeting which was awesome, and our final champ dinner, and got to watch a movie with mcdreamy in it during mash, what the hell else can you really ask for. i dont know. okay, i need to go to bed becuase more fun play times are to be had tomorrow and i must keep my energry high! haha

looooooove

Oh how the years go by, and oh how the love brings tears to my eyes...

So this morning I was trying to send an e-mail and my mailbox was over its size limit so I was attempting to go through and erase old e-mails...long story short I stumbled upon the emails i sent to Al when she was in Fiji first semester freshman year....holy crap. First of all, that seriously seems like a different life. It was only a little over 2.5 years ago but I am worlds away from the person I was then. All the e-mails were filled with me freaking out about growing up basically...boy drama, norwegien boy obsession, dorm drama as always, it was hilarious. I was such a baby! holy crap I've grown up so much since then. It is so crazy how different someone can be from freshman to junior year. Most of the people I knew then I dont even know now...its wierd how different things can be. All the norwegiens, nicole, mandy, daniela, abbie etc etc etc dont go to school here anymore. I still see Jared and Chris, and Betsy sometimes. It is just so strange. Time is flying, thats for sure...

As for now, its Friday afternoon, rainy, I'm excited for tonight....exciting potentials, but I'm trying not to get excited, cause we all know how often I get let down...I dont need any more let downs, thats for sure. Okay I no longer feel intrigued to write, movie/nap time :)

I'm just gonna put this out there....

This is a picture of my parents....
They are fairly average people. A little country bumpkin-esque as you can tell by the mere fact that they are sitting on a tractor.....I would also like to note that they over analyze everything, and that my mother spent 6 months trying to decide what cell phone to get.....Now, that being said, I would like to show you what my mother purchased YESTERDAY, by herself....


Oh yes, my mother bought a mustang....WHAT? and i quote...

me: "Mom, are you and Dad going through a midlife crisis?"
mom: "ohhh I dunno"

now I'm going through changes changes

Oh it's been a crazy year. I've been inspired by the lovely Jamielynn to start a blog. I used to do one in highschool, but havent in years. We all know I talk enough, I might as well jot some of it down from time to time...plus this way all my loves that are currently scattered across the world can keep up with all my insanity.

So in a nutshell....my junior year in college is coming to a close. That is quite possibly the most rediculous thing I've ever heard. This year has gone by so fast- this semester in particular. I seriously feel like I just got off that bus on new years eve landing me back in Burlington, and now it is April, I have 6 days of classes and 4 of finals and I'm done...then in 22 short days, I will be 21!!!!! Oh my I am so excited, should be crazy (crazier than normal anyway).

This year hasn't been an easy one. It started with a pretty sharp turn in the road, one I wasn't counting on that forced me to regroup. Since then, pretty much nothing has gone as planned. Fall semester started and ended good, the middle was a little bit not so fabulous. Ty was in Texas for the good majority of it, and let me tell you, the loss of a sidekick isnt easy. I made it through though, and we've had a good spring semester, a few bumps in the road, but it's all turned out really good, I am so lucky to have such an amazing best friend, and on top of that, I'm so lucky to have the rest of my best friends too. I feel so spoiled sometimes when I complain, because seriously? Look at what I have. I'm entirely blessed, and most of the time I know it. Theres been a few things that havent gone so hot this year, but some have gone incredible. I have become alot closer with some people, and made a ton of new awesome friends. We have a good time, I laugh every single day of my life...mostly I am happy- what more can I ask for?

Lately theres been some intense shit going on in the rest of my life. Some family drama...which isnt easy when you arent there. Also, Melissa got back to Ireland the other day from traveling for two weeks, and in attempt to keep her posted on my crazy life I sent her an IM. She had found out the day before that Wallace, one of the triplets from RI, one who she used to adore, died on Friday in a snowboarding accident in Aspen. It is so wierd, my first reaction is complete shock, my second reaction is pain that I can't be with her right now. If she was at stonehill I wouldve gotten in my car and gone that instant. All you can really do in a sitaution like this is be there, and I cant be there right now cause she is so far away and that kills me. Thirdly I just started thinking about how suddenly things can change. I obviously didn't know Wallace personally, but just flashed back to 7th or 8th grade when Melissa and I were sitting in my room in Yarmouth watching Wallace's boarding videos giggling like the little girls that we were. At that point we were planning the wedding, and how cool it would be to have patterns of MM + WW in a heart. If you had told us then that this is how it would end....oh man. That seems like a lifetime ago to be quite honest, back when things were simple...or seemed it anyway. Times just get so hard sometimes, and if I have learned anything this year, it is that I will make it through anything, but it is still hard to deal with. I just wish for once, things were okay with everyone I love and care about. I guess maybe it will happen someday, if not, what other choice to we have then to just keep going? If things aren't perfect, you might as well strive for them to be that way....

on other notes, over the next few weeks I have to find an apartment, a second job for this summer, and internship for next fall, do my taxes, finish all projects/finals, and hopefully find someone to move in with me for the month of May...oh and party the hell out of the end of the semester ;) Yeah you'd think I would be freaking out, but I'm not...I try to take everything one day at a time, otherwise I think my head would actually explode, so instead...I'm chill for the moment

did I mention that it has been gloriously nice and sunny and spring like outside alllll week? Cause its making my life extrodinary