I've got a lot to say to you, yeah I've got a lot to say...

I've always been someone who notices people. I notice things about people, even if the only interaction I have with them is passing them on campus, or somewhere else on a regular basis. People watching is an extremely interesting thing to do, humans are very strange beings. I guess I am just a person who always has her head up, looking. I think it tells a lot about a person if they walk with their head up or down. I always walk with my head up....I space out from time to time, but I rarely stare at my feet when I walk...seriously, who does that? I have found the hub to be an extremely intersting place to see people. Since it is summer, the same people are walking by around the same times every day. There is one kid who apparently has missed the memo that you can infact purchase clothing, and that the free t-shirts accumulated from campus events do not infact make up a wardrobe...there is also a lady, who I saw again today, who walks staring at her feet. I don't mean she walks staring at the ground, or just not making eye contact, I mean she walks with her chin to her chest like STARING AT THE GROUND. not gonna lie, I'd probably laugh if she ran into someone/something. haha I'm horrible.

On another note, but sort of related...I guess because I am someone who notices other people, I always assume other people take notice too. I think it's a good characteristic to have. There is this guy who lives in a certain apartment, with certain roomates who I know, where I have partied allllllll year, and alot last year, and spent a fair amount of time. You'd think he might know what my name was, considering...oh yeah, not only do i hang out there, but I've made out with him. Now, I'm not saying it was anything spectacular, or meaningful, I was fairly close to blacked out, and really don't give a shit. HOWEVER, that does not mean I don't fucking know his name. Well last night we were all there, and when we were leaving he was on the phone with someone, and telling them who was still there. Ummm I don't know about you, but I personally didn't hear the name Elizabeth, I just heard LINDSAY. Where do you get lindsay from elizabeth, oh thats right, you dont. I'm sorry. it isn't like it matters, cause I don't give a crap about this dude, and am quite ashamed that I am even wasting a second thought on it right now. But seriously?! He thinks he is such hot shit, when really it is becuase he has his giant head shoved so far up his giant ass hole that he thinks is all above everyone else. It just disgusts me to think that someone can be that self centered that he can't even....ugh, you know what, this is so pointless. He is a douche. Some people are just douches. The end.

Here's your sign...

The Stupidity of the Human Race....

Well, I didn't think that after my days at L.L. Bean had ceased I would have to deal with old people not being able to see signs again. Fear not! I am sitting in the fitness center right now and have been since 1. There is an event downstairs in the gym tonight...a spelling bee? I am not sure what it is supporting, or why there are about 100 old people meandering in here, but it is entertaining none the less. Today Rich and Mike came in and put up a GIANT sign above the door to downstairs ( I'm serious...it is 3 ft x 4ft ) that says "ARGOSY GYMNASIUM" and then has a giant arrow pointing DOWN. tell me HOW you can miss that? I really don't understand. So most people come in, and after a few minutes of confusion either a) figure it out or b) give up and take the elevator. I was blessed however to get to witness the search by one old couple. They came down the big staircase (so they were staring DIRECTLY at the sign) got to the bottom and looked in every direction. First they went down the hall where the locker rooms are, looked through the window down into the gym, came back. Then they went out towards the back door, where the staircase is, and not only did they look under the stairs to see if thats where the other set was...but they stood and staired at the floor as if another set of stairs was going to miraculously appear. Then they stood at the HUB for about 5 minutes. Finally they came in here and asked where the stairs to the gym were....and I told them. "Oh, there they are" the woman replied....with that I say..SERIOUSLY? seriously? so special. I am not kidding you people, this was at least an 8 minute search for the door. It isn't that big of an area to look people. Good lord. People are stupid. The end.

Oh I live for little moments like that...

So I woke up this morning to come to the HUB at 9:30 for the rest of the day...it's a pretty nice day outside. I was in a good mood waking up, talked to whit for a while as I was getting ready for work, and then drove down to dunkin donuts to get an iced coffee before work. As I was driving down, "Love Song" came on the radio, so I rocked out to that, and then I went and ordered my breakfast sandwhich and coffee (which used up my gift card that my loves got me for my birthday..sad haha) and for some reason just felt really happy. Usually when I drive I get all irritated with people becuase well....generally people are stupid, and bad drivers. Today I didn't care though, and the people were nice, and friendly, and the guy made really good coffee, the kind where the sugar isnt even stuck in the bottom or anything. For just a few moments...I just felt really good. I hate to be all cheesy and sound like a beatles song or anything (though i love the beatles) but I think moments like that are all we really need in this world. If everyone was just a little bit more patient, a little bit more considerate, and a little bit more kind to everyone else...this world would be a better place.

So yeah, today is going well. I am really over this whole "being sad" thing. It's so easy to just feel sorry for myself and bitch about everything, when deep down I know, it's not really that bad. It is hard right now becuase I don't really feel content with stuff, and my life is really boring, and it's kinda hard to change that since I don't know what is making me feel discontent. I mean, I could get another job, find a hobby, do something else (though I've tried to think of things, and I really can't) to fill my time..but I just dont know what to do. I mean I know that I've been really lonely lately, but I can't just go out and find a boyfriend...it doesn't work that way, so I just need to get over myself and stop feeling bad about it. That just isn't in my control right now, so why the hell would I waste my time worrying about it? that isn't me. I haven't been me lately, and that needs to change...so, I'll do what I can.


On a different note, last night dan, tim and I wen't downtown and met up with Birms! I hadn't seen him since his departure from Champlain, it's been...woah almost a month, wierd. But it was really good to see him, and we had a good time. I think we're gonna get together sometime later on in the summer too, which will be good. I hope whoever takes his spot is cool, I really love my job here, but alot of the reason I loved it was because of him. So, hopefully whoever comes in his spot will a) be chill, b) get alone with me therefore letting me keep my job and c) not be a type a stick up the ass douche canoe...haha classy description, i know.

Alright, I have nothing else to say at the moment. I shall now go find things to entertain me here at the lovely HUB for the remainder of the day.

There's nothing you can do, but learn how to be in time. It's easy, all you need is love.

What ever happened to my lunch box? When came the day that it got thrown away, and don't you think I should've had some say in that decision?

I'm sick of being grown up. Entirely, and completely sick of it. The scariest part is, I'm not even out of college yet. I don't even have a whole lot of bills to pay, and somehow I'm very close to out of money. I noticed I was nearing the danger zone, and tried to turn it around. It didn't help that my boss quit his job, leaving me without hours for 2 weeks, and putting me out another $250 bucks. I haven't been home since February. Though there isn't a whole lot of excitment there, or friends to see, I wanted to go. It would be nice to get away from here for a few days too, since alot of stuff here has been bogging my mind down. Though some of that stuff is starting to resolve, it doesn't change the fact that I want to go home. I have to work tomorrow until 6:30 which would mean I wouldn't be able to leave until then, putting me home at 10:30 if there was no traffic (on a Friday night headed south..yeah okay). If I waited until Saturday morning, I would get home around noon, and be able to be there for just over a day. It would cost $90 in gas and tolls alone, for one fucking day. I can't do it.

I have a paycheck for over 65 hours coming but I wont get it until the 17th. That means I won't be able to go home until the 22nd, leaving after work at 7:30, and driving late, or leaving early. At least that would let me be home for more than one day. Balllllllls this sucks. Not to mention I just broke my parents hearts when I called and said I wasn't coming...a) becuase I wasn't coming and b) becuase their only supposedly financially stable daughter, the one who's always been on top of the money thing suddenly...isn't. Which means very soon (as soon as I go home) a lovely finance discussion is going to happen. Even when I was on top of it I got lectured, so this should be really good. I can't fucking handle this shit anymore. I really can't. It's just all so complex and hard. Everything is. I try to imagine this "home" that I know deep down doesn't exist. I think when I go there, maybe, just once, everything will be okay, but who am I kidding, only myself I guess. None of my friends are there, and my house just isn't a happy place right now. It's hard to go home and be mary sunshine and tra la la like nothing is ever wrong. That is waht they want, they want be to be sincere in my mary-sunshine-ness all the time. They just want to see that I am happy, but they can't see it, because when I am there...I'm not. Granted, I go through my ups and downs here too, but at least there is ups. There, theres not usually. That is a hard thing to face, but I can't imagine facing that through my parents eyes, knowing that their daughters are better off being far away. It sucks. I wish it was different, but it's out of my control at this point, and I have to keep remembering that there is nothing I can do to change the way things are. I just have to continue to do what I can to not make it worse, just like I've been doing since I was 12....What I would give for just one day of before I was 12, just one day of barbie weddings and camping trips, and rollerblading in the basement, and getting to hang out in my big sisters room listening to hootie and the blowfish cassettes, or sitting in casco bay on our boat listening to the waves roll up against the hull. Maybe thats why I'm so in love with the ocean...becuase we spent so much time on it when things were still okay, or atleast when I still believed they were....

Hold on baby, you're losin it, the waters high, you're jumpin into it and letting go, and no one knows that you cry and you dont tell anyone...

I've been really sad lately. Within the past week, I dunno...something just doesn't feel right. I guess it is just all the change that has happened lately, I never deal with it well. The school year ended, a ton of my friends are gone home for the summer which totally sucks. Quite a few of my close friends are still here though, which is good, but it still feels awfully empty around here. The campus is deserted, and strange. Jess and Kathleen both moved out. Whitney moved in for the month, but it is wierd without the other two. It isn't like we had the best of years, but it still feels empty, and different. I finally found an apartment, which is exciting, now I can't wait to move out of this house. 24 days and counting, it couldn't come fast enough. Again, another change, but atleast it is a good one. Moving will be a nice distraction, I need distraction. My mind has been way too busy lately, alot of stuff is running around up there and will not stop. So basically my over-thinking, overanalyzing just runs around in circles and never helps anything. Frustrated.

Anna and I sat around the other day and watched old grey's episodes, it was glorious. I think I'll just live vicariously through fictional people so I don't have to focus on my own retardedly boring, mundane life. Oh did I mention like all of the episodes at some point made me cry? I also decided it would be a GREAT idea to go see Made of Honor the other night with Anna. A chick flick about a guy and a girl who are best friends....seriously Elizabeth? Good life choice. Yeah, cried pretty much the entire movie. I miss the way things were....Frustrated.

Too many things/people are bugging me lately. Believe me, the need to be ambiguous right now is killing me. I would like nothing more than to rip a couple people a new one with words right now, but I'm not supposed to- it's rude. I am just supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine. Too bad all I wan't to do right now is scream, and tell some people what I really think, maybe they would stop being so naive, and open their eyes.....Frustrated.