I'm sick of being grown up. Entirely, and completely sick of it. The scariest part is, I'm not even out of college yet. I don't even have a whole lot of bills to pay, and somehow I'm very close to out of money. I noticed I was nearing the danger zone, and tried to turn it around. It didn't help that my boss quit his job, leaving me without hours for 2 weeks, and putting me out another $250 bucks. I haven't been home since February. Though there isn't a whole lot of excitment there, or friends to see, I wanted to go. It would be nice to get away from here for a few days too, since alot of stuff here has been bogging my mind down. Though some of that stuff is starting to resolve, it doesn't change the fact that I want to go home. I have to work tomorrow until 6:30 which would mean I wouldn't be able to leave until then, putting me home at 10:30 if there was no traffic (on a Friday night headed south..yeah okay). If I waited until Saturday morning, I would get home around noon, and be able to be there for just over a day. It would cost $90 in gas and tolls alone, for one fucking day. I can't do it.
I have a paycheck for over 65 hours coming but I wont get it until the 17th. That means I won't be able to go home until the 22nd, leaving after work at 7:30, and driving late, or leaving early. At least that would let me be home for more than one day. Balllllllls this sucks. Not to mention I just broke my parents hearts when I called and said I wasn't coming...a) becuase I wasn't coming and b) becuase their only supposedly financially stable daughter, the one who's always been on top of the money thing suddenly...isn't. Which means very soon (as soon as I go home) a lovely finance discussion is going to happen. Even when I was on top of it I got lectured, so this should be really good. I can't fucking handle this shit anymore. I really can't. It's just all so complex and hard. Everything is. I try to imagine this "home" that I know deep down doesn't exist. I think when I go there, maybe, just once, everything will be okay, but who am I kidding, only myself I guess. None of my friends are there, and my house just isn't a happy place right now. It's hard to go home and be mary sunshine and tra la la like nothing is ever wrong. That is waht they want, they want be to be sincere in my mary-sunshine-ness all the time. They just want to see that I am happy, but they can't see it, because when I am there...I'm not. Granted, I go through my ups and downs here too, but at least there is ups. There, theres not usually. That is a hard thing to face, but I can't imagine facing that through my parents eyes, knowing that their daughters are better off being far away. It sucks. I wish it was different, but it's out of my control at this point, and I have to keep remembering that there is nothing I can do to change the way things are. I just have to continue to do what I can to not make it worse, just like I've been doing since I was 12....What I would give for just one day of before I was 12, just one day of barbie weddings and camping trips, and rollerblading in the basement, and getting to hang out in my big sisters room listening to hootie and the blowfish cassettes, or sitting in casco bay on our boat listening to the waves roll up against the hull. Maybe thats why I'm so in love with the ocean...becuase we spent so much time on it when things were still okay, or atleast when I still believed they were....
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