Run baby run...don't ever look back

And so it begins. In just a few hours training for OL's starts. Your's truly is heading it up with Lisa this year. I am so honored and so proud that Lisa trusts me enough to hold so much responsibility this year. At the same time, it is a little unnerving. I am just nervous. I know that once I get started, it will all fall right into place. It is my first BIG facilitation though, so...definitely nervous. I've come so far since freshman year in my leadership role on this campus. I've been thinking that after school, I might want to find a job in student affairs, and possibly even go to grad school for it. UVM has a great program...all things to think about I guess. We'll see what the future holds...

So, I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that summer is over. I think that the reason it is so shocking is becuase of two reasons. First of all, I'm not moving. Usually the end of summer and beginning of the year is marked by a big move back to Burlington. This year I am already settled into my place, I never left from last year. Secondly, the past few summers have been spent crossing off days until the year started again. This summer I just enjoyed it. Four whole months...insane. I've had a great time though, lots of fun with friends, time spent in the sun, and of course...lots of laughter. I did a great job of living in the present, and I still am. I daresay I'm growing up a bit...wierd how that happens...

We live and we learn to take one step at a time...

At a young age I started in on creating what would become one of my biggest flaws. I get way too excited about things, I have way too high of expectations for things, and more often than not I end up getting let down. Though I would never want to be someone who doesn't let themselves get excited about anything, being the way I am is recipe for disaster at times. The higher your hopes are up...the farther you have for them to fall. Over the past few years I have been through a lot. I have finally been able to make myself have a reality check and not let my guard down when it comes to things that could end up making me upset. After everything that happened, Caroline coming seemed too good to be true. Yet for once I let my guard come crashing down. There was really no way I couldn't, I haven't seen her in so long and I love her so much. I didn't realize that it seemed to good to be true for a reason. On Tuesday night around 11:30, 9 hours before she was supposed to be on a plane heading for here...her parents found out about some shit that went down, and made her cancel her ticket. As much as I understand, and I am not angry at anyone for what happened...it just sucks so much. I was in total and utter shock when she told me. I just could not even begin to concieve how we had gotten SO close this time to her actually coming, and it just...wasn't going to happen. I felt so utterly helpless. I knew that there was nothing I could do to change the decision that had been made, and I knew there was nothing I could do to try and fix it, make it better, or stop the inevitble. I think helplessness is quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the whole world. At least if your pissed off, or hurt, or upset, you can do something about it. I hate when there's absolutely nothing you can do. All in all I'm doing okay...I obviously am soooo sad she isn't here. It is really wierd, every time I look at the calander and realize this is when she is supposed to be here I get really sad. It's just strange becuase everything here is just...the same. Nothing has changed at all, and the only difference is that this week was supposed to be different. Overall I am more worried about her. I know she feels totally responsible and I can't even begin to fathom the wieght shes feeling on her shoulders right now. If I had enough money right now, I would be in my car or on a plane to see her and try and make it a little easier. I miss her so bad. I guess after everything, even though it didn't work out, it sort of did. All I ever wanted after all this time was for her and I to be the friends we used to be. People don't become instant best friends after a day for no reason at all...after all thats happened, and all the water under the bridge, she is still one of my best friends, and this has all made me realize that we've gotten back to that point, whether we've seen each other or not. I try not to worry... I know someday soon we'll be together again.

Everyone has been really supportive of me the past few days, becuase all the people who knew how excited I was know, in turn, how devastated I feel right now. But, I'm glad to have who I have in my life, I am so lucky, and I love sooo many people. Not to mention, Justin has been amazing about the whole thing. I don't want to sound like a bitch but I didn't really expect him to be...Not that I expected him to be bad about it...I don't know. It's wierd, with so many people I let my guard down easily. With him..it's different. I know it's becuase he is a boyfriend, not just a friend. However, for some reason I am treading really lightly. Ty and I used to talk about it because I have always been a person that trusts people until they give me a reason not to. Tyler is a person who doesn't trust until you give him a reason to actually trust you. I didn't realize until now, but I have turned that way as well. However, it is working just fine because when I haven't expected much out of the boy, he has proved that he can be someone I can turn to for support. Let's just say with the whole thing this week...he has definitely earned a lot of brownie points haha.

So what do we do...keep going I guess, it's really our only option. As long as I can hold my head high at the end of the day, and know that I have people to lean on when I can't hold my head up alone anymore...that is all that matters to me. I am truely blessed.

CLW. I love you so much. Stay strong baby girl, brighter skies are ahead....bFff

We're always having waaay more fun than it makes sense to be having....

I'm trying my best to live in the moment. The moments that have been coming my way are amazing. As much as I try to be eternally optamistic, I know that part of me sees the gray in things. The gray, as of now, is that I just know things can't stay so good forever. Here I am on the brink of my senior year of college. How did I get here? I hate to sound cliche but it seems like yesterday I was getting ready for my FRESHMAN year. Now I am suddenly supposed to be growing up, knowing what I wan't to do, being ready to graduate. Truth is...I'm not. I think part of me will never grow up, and I like it that way. It isn't hard to realize why older people say college was the best years of their life. If "they" had half as much fun as I have, I'm sure it'd be hard to beat. I'm gonna try my best though. I really dont see the point in being so serious about life. What does it really do for you, honestly? When I am old, I am going to love my wrinkles. It means I showed emoition, and got countless pretty kick ass tans. You can be damn sure I am going to have wrinkles around my eyes, not from crying, but from laughing, and from laughing so hard I end up crying. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am going to make the absolute best of my senior year, and know that whats ahead will be just as amazing if I make it that way. In short, I adore my life. I love the ups, and the downs. Though theres been a bit too much rain this summer, it makes Vermont green. The kind of green that waits for the blue sky days to errupt, and glow.

One of those days was this past Saturday. Jamielynn, Whitney and I went driving. Jokingly around exit 12 we said "lets just drive until we see a scenic overlook". Well, my friend, I will have you know that for as many times as you see those words posted on a sign when aimlessly driving, they are rather hard to stumble upon by chance. Though we never found an official scenic overlook, we definitly enjoyed the scenery along the way. I tried to snap like 400 pictures of a "mountinous landscape" but usually hit a dip in the road at about the time the flash clicked, and ended up with trees. Long story short, we drove on 89 until we got bored and continued onto 91, exited randomly because we had to pee, and landed ourselves in chesterfield at Kathleen's house. Who knew abnormally large straws, un-attractively rolled up sleeves, insanely loud HORRIBLE singing, and screaming outlandishly could provide us with such glorious entertainment. I. Had. So. Much. Fun. Days like that, aside from many things, make me really wish I didn't love Jamielynn so much. She is leaving for a semester abroad in Ireland starting in a few weeks. Let me tell you, not thrilled. I adore her. We have had our share of ups and downs, espeically considering freshman year we "hated each other" for really no reason at all. That is probably my favorite drunken friend I have ever made. "Hi, why do you hate me" "what? becuase you hate ME" "i do not" "i didn't call you a whore" "can we be friends please" "OKAY". Oh the rest is history. I am so happy that she gets to experience Ireland, but sooooo sad she wont be here for 4 months. Oh good, now I'm tearing up, sitting at the hub, typing on my blog...sad day Elizabeth. I can't cry..becuase then she'll cry...and we look FAT WHEN WE CRY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Love you darling.





On other notes. Justin finally closed on his condo!!! So happy for him. As of 4pm Friday he is officially a home owner. While I was off galavanting through the VT countryside, he and Ty were moving all his stuff into his new place. Yesterday I did my good girlfriend duties and went shopping with him for things for his house. "I don't know how dan did this alone, its so much easier with a girl..you made me a list! you knew just what to get! man, that didn't take long at all". hahahahhaha oh man. We went to wal mart, and sears, and then Burlington bedrooms, where I made him (and by made him, i mean merely suggested he try the pillow top mattress, and in turn, with 5 seconds of laying on it, bought it) purchase the MOST comfortable bed I think I have ever slept on. I love my bed, but his pretty much puts mine to shame.

All in all. Life is good. Summer is winding down, but the year is sure to be a good one. Also, unbelievably, a countdown that started at 37, but really sinc last april, is down to 2. On wednesday at noon I will be departing to the Manchester Airport for Caroline's 3:00 arrival. Words can really not do justice to how excited I am to see her. After everything that has happened this year, she is still one of my best friends, and I absolutely adore her. As much as it sucks that after a week which I am sure will go by all kinds of way too fast...she will return south, I am so glad I get a week with her. Life takes us all different places, a fact I need to get used to, considering a year from now is nothing but unknown to me and all the people I love. I just try to realize, and hold onto the fact that the memories we make, and the people we make them with, are things we will never lose.

I'm a lucky girl to have so much, and so many wonderful people in my life.