At a young age I started in on creating what would become one of my biggest flaws. I get way too excited about things, I have way too high of expectations for things, and more often than not I end up getting let down. Though I would never want to be someone who doesn't let themselves get excited about anything, being the way I am is recipe for disaster at times. The higher your hopes are up...the farther you have for them to fall. Over the past few years I have been through a lot. I have finally been able to make myself have a reality check and not let my guard down when it comes to things that could end up making me upset. After everything that happened, Caroline coming seemed too good to be true. Yet for once I let my guard come crashing down. There was really no way I couldn't, I haven't seen her in so long and I love her so much. I didn't realize that it seemed to good to be true for a reason. On Tuesday night around 11:30, 9 hours before she was supposed to be on a plane heading for here...her parents found out about some shit that went down, and made her cancel her ticket. As much as I understand, and I am not angry at anyone for what happened...it just sucks so much. I was in total and utter shock when she told me. I just could not even begin to concieve how we had gotten SO close this time to her actually coming, and it just...wasn't going to happen. I felt so utterly helpless. I knew that there was nothing I could do to change the decision that had been made, and I knew there was nothing I could do to try and fix it, make it better, or stop the inevitble. I think helplessness is quite possibly one of the worst feelings in the whole world. At least if your pissed off, or hurt, or upset, you can do something about it. I hate when there's absolutely nothing you can do. All in all I'm doing okay...I obviously am soooo sad she isn't here. It is really wierd, every time I look at the calander and realize this is when she is supposed to be here I get really sad. It's just strange becuase everything here is just...the same. Nothing has changed at all, and the only difference is that this week was supposed to be different. Overall I am more worried about her. I know she feels totally responsible and I can't even begin to fathom the wieght shes feeling on her shoulders right now. If I had enough money right now, I would be in my car or on a plane to see her and try and make it a little easier. I miss her so bad. I guess after everything, even though it didn't work out, it sort of did. All I ever wanted after all this time was for her and I to be the friends we used to be. People don't become instant best friends after a day for no reason at all...after all thats happened, and all the water under the bridge, she is still one of my best friends, and this has all made me realize that we've gotten back to that point, whether we've seen each other or not. I try not to worry... I know someday soon we'll be together again.
Everyone has been really supportive of me the past few days, becuase all the people who knew how excited I was know, in turn, how devastated I feel right now. But, I'm glad to have who I have in my life, I am so lucky, and I love sooo many people. Not to mention, Justin has been amazing about the whole thing. I don't want to sound like a bitch but I didn't really expect him to be...Not that I expected him to be bad about it...I don't know. It's wierd, with so many people I let my guard down easily. With him..it's different. I know it's becuase he is a boyfriend, not just a friend. However, for some reason I am treading really lightly. Ty and I used to talk about it because I have always been a person that trusts people until they give me a reason not to. Tyler is a person who doesn't trust until you give him a reason to actually trust you. I didn't realize until now, but I have turned that way as well. However, it is working just fine because when I haven't expected much out of the boy, he has proved that he can be someone I can turn to for support. Let's just say with the whole thing this week...he has definitely earned a lot of brownie points haha.
So what do we do...keep going I guess, it's really our only option. As long as I can hold my head high at the end of the day, and know that I have people to lean on when I can't hold my head up alone anymore...that is all that matters to me. I am truely blessed.
CLW. I love you so much. Stay strong baby girl, brighter skies are ahead....bFff
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