don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been..and i've made up my mind, i aint wastin no more time

October? Really? Fall is kicking in hard here in Northern Vermont. I can't say I am too thrilled. The colder weather isn't something I am looking forward to. Not only does cold mean jackets and layers and gray and wayyyy too much darkness, but it means snow, and lack of being able to drive whenever I want. I know you will be surprised to hear that the good old Pontiac only drives on dry pavement. We all know that is hard to find in a VT winter.

It is a bit strange that I always seem so full of thought when I get on here to write and when I arrive here, I find my thoughts are few. I think "uninspired" is the word- the one to describe my life in general as of late. It's not that I don't like school, or my job, or my friends (well I don't like them, I'm pretty much fucking in love with every last one), it is just that all put together I feel like I need something more. Unfortunately I don't quite know what it is. I feel sheltered only by the fact that I know I am not alone in this feeling, on the brink of my future. I really have no idea where next year, or the years to follow will take me. That, unfortunately, is the exciting and the fucking terrifying part all rolled into one. I will say this...

Today I was inspired. I am not really sure why, but all the right thoughts came together, and I've decided I am going to write a book. In all my experience and schooling with writing, I've never really wanted to write one, but now I do. Who knows if I will finish it, or if I will and just keep it to myself, or if it will make me super famous and rich and change my life. Either way, it cant hurt anything to throw a bunch of stories onto paper. I've always thought of myself as somewhat of a boring person. However, looking at it all, I know that isn't true. Maybe my stories are weak, but I make them interesting, becuase there are quite a few things that just happen to me...like...why? Haha. Plus, plenty of people have mundane lives. I'm all about making the ordinary into extrordinary- and if it doesn't work, whats the harm in trying? So it begins...

The only other thing I have to rant about at moments such as this one are about a certain boy I know...I miss him. Or I should say, I can't decide. I don't know if I can really decipher through missing the relationshipy stuff, or actually missing him. There is no doubt I like him as a person, he is funny, and fun to be around. I like having the outlet of someone who doesn't go to Champlain that I can talk to about stuff, or just little stupid things. I just don't know. It is wierd that we are "done". I mean I know it was my choice, but was it really the right one? I guess my answer is yes. I know that deep down I made the right choice, and that once I move past it, I will be okay with it. Right now though, it kind of sucks. I find myself wanting to talk to him and go see him, just like normal. I know that we can't get back together though, becuase wheres that really going to put either of us? Is it really going to be any different? No. I just can't seem to let go of it completely...there's just a weakness there...

Oh how the years go by, and oh how the love brings tears to my eyes...

I can't believe I am a senior. I walk by my old dorm every day and just keep thinking I'm gonna go inside and find Daniela, Mandy, and Ermina, and have it be freshman year all over again. I keep feeling like I'm walking back from being at the suites with Caroline. I keep thinking Abbie is going to yell out the window at me. They are all gone now...and it is all being taken over by people who are just starting their college careers, with more than 3 years ahead of them to do what they wish with...and here I am, with 7 months left. I can't wrap my head around it.