don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been..and i've made up my mind, i aint wastin no more time

October? Really? Fall is kicking in hard here in Northern Vermont. I can't say I am too thrilled. The colder weather isn't something I am looking forward to. Not only does cold mean jackets and layers and gray and wayyyy too much darkness, but it means snow, and lack of being able to drive whenever I want. I know you will be surprised to hear that the good old Pontiac only drives on dry pavement. We all know that is hard to find in a VT winter.

It is a bit strange that I always seem so full of thought when I get on here to write and when I arrive here, I find my thoughts are few. I think "uninspired" is the word- the one to describe my life in general as of late. It's not that I don't like school, or my job, or my friends (well I don't like them, I'm pretty much fucking in love with every last one), it is just that all put together I feel like I need something more. Unfortunately I don't quite know what it is. I feel sheltered only by the fact that I know I am not alone in this feeling, on the brink of my future. I really have no idea where next year, or the years to follow will take me. That, unfortunately, is the exciting and the fucking terrifying part all rolled into one. I will say this...

Today I was inspired. I am not really sure why, but all the right thoughts came together, and I've decided I am going to write a book. In all my experience and schooling with writing, I've never really wanted to write one, but now I do. Who knows if I will finish it, or if I will and just keep it to myself, or if it will make me super famous and rich and change my life. Either way, it cant hurt anything to throw a bunch of stories onto paper. I've always thought of myself as somewhat of a boring person. However, looking at it all, I know that isn't true. Maybe my stories are weak, but I make them interesting, becuase there are quite a few things that just happen to me...like...why? Haha. Plus, plenty of people have mundane lives. I'm all about making the ordinary into extrordinary- and if it doesn't work, whats the harm in trying? So it begins...

The only other thing I have to rant about at moments such as this one are about a certain boy I know...I miss him. Or I should say, I can't decide. I don't know if I can really decipher through missing the relationshipy stuff, or actually missing him. There is no doubt I like him as a person, he is funny, and fun to be around. I like having the outlet of someone who doesn't go to Champlain that I can talk to about stuff, or just little stupid things. I just don't know. It is wierd that we are "done". I mean I know it was my choice, but was it really the right one? I guess my answer is yes. I know that deep down I made the right choice, and that once I move past it, I will be okay with it. Right now though, it kind of sucks. I find myself wanting to talk to him and go see him, just like normal. I know that we can't get back together though, becuase wheres that really going to put either of us? Is it really going to be any different? No. I just can't seem to let go of it completely...there's just a weakness there...